Introduction
If you come across any special trait of meanness or stupidity . . . you must be careful not to let it annoy or distress you, but to look upon it merely as an addition to your knowledge—a new fact to be considered in studying the character of humanity. Your attitude towards it will be that of the mineralogist who stumbles upon a very characteristic specimen of a mineral.
—Arthur Schopenhauer
Throughout the course of our lives, we inevitably have to deal with a
variety of individuals who stir up trouble and make our lives
difficult and unpleasant. Some of these individuals are leaders or
bosses, some are colleagues, and some are friends. They can be
aggressive or passive-aggressive, but they are generally masters at
playing on our emotions.
They often appear charming and refreshingly
confident, brimming with ideas and enthusiasm, and we fall under
their spell. Only when it is too late do we discover that their confidence
is irrational and their ideas ill-conceived. Among colleagues, they can
be those who sabotage our work or careers out of secret envy, excited
to bring us down. Or they could be colleagues or hires who reveal, to
our dismay, that they are completely out for themselves, using us as
stepping-stones.
What inevitably happens in these situations is that we are caught off
guard, not expecting such behavior. Often these types will hit us with
elaborate cover stories to justify their actions, or blame handy
scapegoats. They know how to confuse us and draw us into a drama
they control. We might protest or become angry, but in the end we feel
rather helpless—the damage is done. Then another such type enters
our life, and the same story repeats itself.
We often notice a similar sensation of confusion and helplessness
when it comes to ourselves and our own behavior.
For instance, we
suddenly say something that offends our boss or colleague or friend—
we are not quite sure where it came from, but we are frustrated to find
that some anger and tension from within has leaked out in a way that
we regret. Or perhaps we enthusiastically throw our weight into some
project or scheme, only to realize it was quite foolish and a terrible
waste of time.
Or perhaps we fall in love with a person who is precisely
the wrong type for us and we know it, but we cannot help ourselves.
What has come over us, we wonder?
In these situations, we catch ourselves falling into self-destructive
patterns of behavior that we cannot seem to control. It is as if we
harbor a stranger within us, a little demon who operates independently
of our willpower and pushes us into doing the wrong things. And this
stranger within us is rather weird, or at least weirder than how we
imagine ourselves.